Fear

I made a last minute decision a few months ago and signed up for all the St. Louis Frostbite series runs and although I had a rocky start for the first race, I learned my lesson by the 2nd race and my 3rd became my PR for 1/2 marathon time for nearly 3 minutes.

1. I forgot it wasn't a 5k race - it was a 12k - and taking it out with a 6:30 pace turned into walking some cramps off by mile 4 - just as a new Cher Llyod song came on "... who do you think you are.. a super S-T-A-R??"  well.  this 135# body that hadn't paced faster than a 9minute minute in 3 months had to slow down and walk it off.  very humbling.

2. I decided to do as all the t-shirts and bumper stickers say to do "Stay Calm and..." (Run slow).  I held a 9 minute mile pace for the first half of the 11ish miles and was bored out of my mind.  I picked it up a bit for the 2nd loop but felt the length of every foot step.  I really felt like a slug and I was jealous of every single person zooming on by me.

3. Just like the Goldie-Locks - the first one was too fast, the second one was too slow - the third one was "Jjjuuussstt riiighht!"  I held around a 7:50 pace for all 13.1 miles and hit a PR for the 1/2.  and although it was a 2 lap course, I felt amazing and focused the entire time.


Since I do all my best thinking and reasoning in my sneakers - I started to form a hypothesis.
Explaining my point here may take a small back story....

I swam my senior year of high school and in college and was very passionate about it.  When I first started, it was obvious the sport came easier to me than others and by my 3rd season of swimming, as a sophomore in college, my times were dropping like crazy.  My great and wonderful coaches, Paula Miller and Yun Qu, use to tell me all the time - keep a good pace, stay strong and work on finishing hard.  And well, I never listened.  I always took it out fast and then held on.  She would write down my 50yard splits for the 500 and point out the 4 second differences... until one day my junior year... I took it out faster than I had ever taken it out and held the pace within a second.  

I raced without any fear.  Every time.  I didn't care if i "died" because every time I took it out fast, my time was faster.

until my senior year.  After an excellent season my junior year - I had expectations for myself.  and that created doubt about reaching my expectations.  and the doubt turned into insecurities.  And I'll tell you what - I had some PRs that year in some races - but it never felt "sweet!"  I was never excited - all I wanted was more and better.  I had set the bar to an unrealistic and unattainable level.  and as each race brought my closer to the end of my college swimming career, my Fear grew stronger and racing became less and less enjoyable.

So, back to how this fits in with running in Forest Park.  There has been a woman who is running the long Frostbite series races, slowly.  She has become my true inspiration for conquering this "Fear" I had let into my athletic mind 5 years ago.  Her presence reminds me that asking questions fueled by fear like"will I finish? will it hurt? will people lap me?..." doesn't make any difference in the world while you are racing your own race.  

Without any words, seeing her running with a smile on her face tells me to relax and keep going.  I can do it.

No Fear.

( I wonder if this no fear attitude will help my nervous bladder at the beginnings of races?  those bathroom lines are always so long!!)